I just don’t know.

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  So much going on here between Christmas, a family wedding and the death of one of my 10 year old’s classmates… yeah, that last one was quite a shocker.

I remember being little and dreaming of growing older.  Dreaming  of being BIG and able to do “whatever I wanted”.   Of being able to stay up late, drive, be on my own, not make my bed if I didn’t want to.. lol…  What I never expected was life to get harder, to be faced with situations that took my breath away, to have to explain to MY little one’s about things I don’t even understand.

My children have experiences loss before.  Their great grandfather passed away last January and they knew him well.  We all attended his funeral and it was a moving experience for ALL of us.  But the death of a classmate?  There is NO way to prepare for this one.  Not only, as a mom, do you suddenly put yourself in those shoes.  “What would I do?  How would I respond?  How would I go on?”, but you also begin the process of answering the questions like, “Mom, why would something like this happen?”….or the questions about heaven and hell.  Life suddenly begins to feel like an hour glass… and it’s uncertainty stares you in the face.

I’ve had some really good conversations with my son about all this.  And to be completely honest, some of those conversations have had included the words, “I just don’t know.”    I just DON’T know.  Kids know when you’re making stuff up and he’d know if I was faking it.

Here’s what I do know:   God loves us.

38 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39.

Even though I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, I can’t explain it…. there’s POWER in knowing NOTHING can separate me from God’s love.  NOTHING!  I know this is NOT how he meant life to be.  And I explain that to my questioning 10 year old.  THIS is NOT what we were created for.  There is more!  And there will come a day when ALL tears will be erased, ALL sorrow will be gone, there will be NO more “I don’t know’s”… BUT until that time… we trust.  And man, that’s so  hard!…

I am trying to prepare myself and my son to go to her funeral this week.  I don’t know how to prepare, honestly.   I pray for wisdom to know how to answer questions, the honesty to say, “I just don’t know”, and the boldness to hold on to my belief in God’s unrelenting sovereignty.   And to cling to this truth:

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” -Revelation 21:4


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